Things to miss

The other day I posted about my impending transfer and why I chose to take it.  You can read it here.
Here is the other side of the issue:

I have a week or so and then I start my new position.  I'm looking forward to it...but at the same time I am feeling sad for what I am losing.

 The students I have now are great.  Some I have been instrumental in teaching them to talk.  From no words to complete sentences.  Pushing and prodding each word and sound-encouraging parents to incorporate repetition of new skills with their children. Soothing weary parents who just don't know why their kid doesn't talk-afraid their child never will.  Ignoring the looks of disbelief when I tell them things will happen.  Keep going.  Keep working. I can see progress even if they can't. Loving the looks when they finally believe me.  Those students-the ones I have invested so much thought into-are the ones I will miss the most.  Of course, there are the 3 little girls (in separate schools) who all hug me as soon as they see me.  Their eyes light up.  They say, "Miss Lisa I missed you!" There is the shy boy who changed preschools and when I went to his new school the absolute relief in his eyes at seeing a familiar person brought tears to my eyes.  These are the moments I treasure.

Their parents are also great.  They are involved with their children.  They follow through with my suggestions.  They get it.  They are friendly.  Every single one of them has my home phone number and can call me anytime.  They are as much a part of their child's progress as I am-and they know it.

I have a good reputation among my preschools and families.  Teachers have no trouble talking to me, listening to my suggestions and allowing me freely in their classrooms.  In fact, there are several preschools that don't allow "others" in during special days (1st days of school, parties, etc.) but they trust that I will blend into the wallpaper-and not single out a child or have the child miss anything. For me, special events are prime times to observe progress.  I have parents choose preschools because they know I will work with their child if they attend this one versus that one.  I have had phone calls out-of-the-blue because a new family was referred by an old family and they want to know how to get me to see their child.  I have one parent who moved to another county and drove her child (an hours drive) twice a week for 6 months until her house sold (and she could no longer claim my county as residence) so she could have therapy with me.  It's nice to be liked.  It's ego building and when I am having a bad day I don't have to look far to find something to remind me that I will win over a difficult parent, find "the key" to this child or to just trust that I am providing the appropriate therapy even though I feel "stuck" or inadequate in the moment.  (fyi-I in no way think I am perfect...or even great.  I'm running on instinct much of the time. I have my weak areas-the things I would do differently if I could.  I'm a good therapist who cares and enjoys learning-so I keep up with therapy techniques and pay to attend conferences to better my skills-something many of my coworkers just don't do. Right now I am trying to figure out how to attend a very expensive training-I'll eventually do it--some how, some way.)

I will miss the freedom an itinerant position gives.  Right now, I can go the long way to my next site, windows down, sun streaming in. (ok-maybe not right now-but in warm weather I can).  I can run  quick errand that is on the way.  In the summer, I have a reduced caseload because kids are on vacation.  I know where there is wiggle room in my schedule-if I am running late in the morning?-No problem. I will catch up.  This is especially handy when a doctors appt runs over-or I need to leave a few minutes early.

I can't believe I am giving this all up....That I voluntarily want another challenge.
But I am...and I do.
It is more about me being the best therapist in the end that I can be-and to be that I have to challenge myself. I enjoy learning.  I enjoy challenges.  I enjoy mastering a particular problem.
This position will bring kids with more challenges. Different ones. Challenging ones.
I thrive on this.

Remind me of this when I am overwhelmed in a couple weeks....

Boredom

I am bored.
It's still winter, and I know a good part of this boredom is related to that.  I hate the cold and cloudy weather.  I want to be outside. I want to dig in the dirt and grow things.  I want to wake up to sunshine and birds singing.  I want to walk and run in the fresh (warm) air.  This year, the boredom is sharper. I wander around the house searching for something to spark some interest.
I can only tolerate surfing the internet, reading blogs and staring at the walls for so long.  TV has little appeal, perhaps because I only have a few shows I like anymore.  Maybe it's because the husband watches sports non-stop and I end up dvr-ing my shows and watching them weekend mornings.  
I love to read, but lately even reading doesn't have the same kind of draw as it usually does. I like to cook, but have no interest in food.  I eat but don't find comfort from it like I usually do.
The husband's IBS is flaring up from all the stress lately, so he usually just wants to sit on the couch and watch TV.  I just can't do that.  But I don't want to go out either.  It's cold. I don't want to shop.  I don't want to clean.
I don't want to DO anything...yet I'm bored doing nothing.

Squeak!

For all of her 11.4 years, Chloe (our dachshund) has been obsessed with Tennis balls.  She loves them. Loves! Them! She can smell one 50 feet away-she was constantly finding them in bushes and shrubs around tennis courts in Florida.  We knew that if Chloe suddenly exhibited the classic dachshund stubborness and pulled us in a straight line toward dark foliage a tennis ball had been detected.  She has found or been given easily a couple hundred in 11 years.  However, her obsession is one of the "pull off the yellow fuzz and eat it" variety.  Sure, she loves to chase it..but eventually the fuzz is just too hard for her to ignore.  For this reason we have to limit her access. She knows this and has been known to spend time at the bottom of out refrigerator (where we keep one) practicing Jedi mind tricks.  Heaven help us if she perfects it.
For the first time ever, my husband has found something (other than food) that rivals the "yellow round spherical object"-as it is referred to in our house because Chloe knows the word "ball." 

Meet Squeak!:

Chloe loves Squeak!  She shakes him and loves on him. 





Squeak! has 2 squeakers in him.  One in his head and one in his tail.  Chloe is determined to get those squeakers out. 

But what about her Tennis ball?  Is Squeak! the new love of her life?  Let's see...
Giving her the choice:

At first, it seemed like Tennis ball would be her first and only love:

But Wait!  She changed her mind!:

Or did she?  She contemplates the situation:

THE decision:


She wants her cake and eat it, too.

What road do we go down?

Lately, my husband and I have been grappling with what we should do next.

Do we try to get pregnant again naturally?
Do we look into IVF?
Do we continue to inch toward adoption?

None of these decisions are easy.  With option 1, we are more than likely to fail and endure more heartbreak.  But then again, I did get pregnant naturally-so something is possible. But how long do we try before we move onto something else?

IVF isn't a sure thing...and, while every penny is worth it if it results in a baby, draining our newly acquired savings and still ending up empty-handed scares me.  Also, my doctor already warned me that the Reproductive Endocrinologists may demand I use donor eggs due to my age (I am on the border of the average age they require them).  I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.  I might agree to use donor eggs if they agree to harvest my eggs, and do a FSH test (genetics) on resulting embyos and implant those as well. 

Adoption has been on our minds for awhile.  It is never seems to be the the right time--well, one of us would adopt tomorrow, and one if us is more hesitant and wants to wait for certain things to happen first.  Also, do we struggle with adoption from foster care or go overseas? I have no illusions about adopting a newborn here in the US. It won't happen. It's a flawed system.

It's such a hard decision.  Time is short.

I wish I had a crystal ball.  A glimpse into the future. A sign with "pick me" hanging over the "right" choice.

I'm here

I feel like I should post something "normal"...anything.....but I'm kind of at a loss right now.  I can't seem to come up with any topics to write about. Nothing.  I'm drawing a blank.

I'm ok.  I'm dealing.  I feel like I am 'back to normal' whatever that means...well, maybe not completely.  There's lingering bitterness and melancholy surrounding me.  I feel good and then get mad because I don't want to feel good--I want to be fat and nauseous and pregnant.  It's a process.  I'm moving on in life-yet a piece of me will always be stuck there.

I'm not avoiding people-but I'm not exactly doing anything.  It's freaking winter-snowy and cold. I hibernate in the winter normally anyway.  I may love Pittsburgh, but I'm a Florida girl at heart.

My mom calls and emails a lot. Mostly just to see how I'm doing-what's the latest from the doctor.  Normal Mom stuff.
My Dad texts me daily (he's on vacation somewhere warm and tropical.) My dad's texts make me sad.  He has never really expressed this much emotion towards me. I mean, he's been a hallmark card lately instead of just a Dad who is reserved in verbally expressing his emotions beyond an occasional "I love you"  and I don't know how to handle it.  I don't know how I'll deal when I actually see him. Probably we will all cry-which will make this that much more awkward? unreal? real? sad?  hallmarky?  I'm just not sure what it will be.  It's nice to be loved.  If only it was a happy reason for this showing.

I caused an "international incident" by my not answering my uncles phone calls for 3 days  (I am accepting and intrigued with his culty, new-age, transcendental lifestyle on a normal day-but I really worried what he would say to me-he's not exactly one to think before he speaks-when he found out I was pregnant he had a bunch to say...so now that I'm not I cringed to think what his comforting words would be (for the record he didn't say a word beyond the standard accepted stuff-no talk about other realities and souls or new-agey stuff.)

I have enough work to keep me busy.  Missing a week of work (oh-did I mention that I ended up with an infection and severe pain?) this time of year has me scrambling and drowning in paperwork.
I am supposedly getting a new job (well, same job-same pay-same employer-less travel) so I have to get all my paperwork done-caught up and even ahead of schedule.  Oh-and the snow delays and cancellations are not helping-the weather has the unique ability to come when I have an easy day at work...a day I could get paperwork done...and I end up staying home. 
So much for not doing paperwork at home. 

My Christmas Tree is still up...for a variety of reasons...most of them procrastination related. Maybe one of them because the tree is so pretty and shiny. Maybe another reason because I just don't want to do the work.

So-I'm here.  I'm taking this one day at a time.  Hopefully, I will be inspired and write about something more uplifting soon.

This was supposed to be a different post.

My last post was full of hope.  It was about the new year.  It was full of happy thoughts. I wrote this:

I plan on continuing to eat healthy, exercise regularly, spend wisely, decrease debt, increase savings and do things that make me happy and build my happy family.  
I want to take more pictures, learn to use my new photo editing software, continue reading great books and clean that basement.
I want my walls to have framed photos on them-not just in my computer. 

Above all-I want 2011 to be a wonderfully happy and memorable year.

In less than a week my happy little world collapsed.  The cause of my happiness was simple.  You see, after years of infertility-of no hope of getting pregnant-somehow, someway-I was.

I was 11 weeks pregnant when I wrote my new years post.  We had seen the baby. We had seen the heartbeating.  I was feeling some symptoms and getting a little belly.  We were happy and excited and in awe of our miracle.  

I was waiting for my 12 week appointment and ultrasound so I could share the joy bursting in my heart.  I had multiple posts already written and ready.  The joy. The thrill of tearing down of walls built by years of childlessness NOT by choice.

It wasn't meant to be.  Just 2 days before my week 12 appointment, I had a miscarriage. 

My world is raw and painful now.  My hope and happiness gone.

Happy New Year!

It's my one-year blogging anniversary!
Overall, I am happy with this blog.  I feel like I am growing with it-learning to write better posts, selecting topics-and posting fairly regularly.
I have been quiet lately-but I promise, there is a good reason-and I have several posts sitting and waiting final editing.

 Here are the goals I set for the year 2010 and how I did:

1) Adopt a child. (Become foster parent as part of process(?))
--This goal wasn't accomplished.  Various reasons.
2) Exercise regularly
--I was doing great-I lost 20 pounds.  I was walking 15+ miles a week.  I ran a whole mile-I was working on 2 miles. Then something derailed me-and it got cold and it snowed.  I am back to walking-inside and I will keep it up-but running miles-not for several months-think fall.
3) Eat healthier
-I really feel like I  accomplished this goal.  I eat more whole foods.  I eat less processed foods.  My lunches and dinners are good portions and my snacks are healthy. It isn't 100% but I feel like I am at a good place-and it isn't a struggle at all! 
4) Minimize the clutter in my house
 -I organized every room in the house this summer.  I cleaned, I boxed up for yard sales, I donated, I scrubbed the walls even-but it doesn't feel better.  For 2 reasons: 1 I live with a pack rat-who won't let me go thru his stuff.  2) the basement. 50% is the pack-rats.  25% needs gone through by me (and trashed/donated). 25% is still sitting there waiting on a yard sale
5) Grow out my nails
-I tried-and failed. It will happen-eventually.
6) Pay off my own credit cards.
-I paid off my car.  I paid off half of a credit card.  It's difficult with a husband who has been out of work for over a year.

I am not setting specific goals for 2011.  Just general ideas:


I plan on continuing to eat healthy, exercise regularly, spend wisely, decrease debt, increase savings and do things that make me happy and build my happy family.  
I want to take more pictures, learn to use my new photo editing software, continue reading great books and clean that basement.
I want my walls to have framed photos on them-not just in my computer. 

Above all-I want 2011 to be a wonderfully happy and memorable year.