Saturday, January 22, 2011

I'm here

I feel like I should post something "normal"...anything.....but I'm kind of at a loss right now.  I can't seem to come up with any topics to write about. Nothing.  I'm drawing a blank.

I'm ok.  I'm dealing.  I feel like I am 'back to normal' whatever that means...well, maybe not completely.  There's lingering bitterness and melancholy surrounding me.  I feel good and then get mad because I don't want to feel good--I want to be fat and nauseous and pregnant.  It's a process.  I'm moving on in life-yet a piece of me will always be stuck there.

I'm not avoiding people-but I'm not exactly doing anything.  It's freaking winter-snowy and cold. I hibernate in the winter normally anyway.  I may love Pittsburgh, but I'm a Florida girl at heart.

My mom calls and emails a lot. Mostly just to see how I'm doing-what's the latest from the doctor.  Normal Mom stuff.
My Dad texts me daily (he's on vacation somewhere warm and tropical.) My dad's texts make me sad.  He has never really expressed this much emotion towards me. I mean, he's been a hallmark card lately instead of just a Dad who is reserved in verbally expressing his emotions beyond an occasional "I love you"  and I don't know how to handle it.  I don't know how I'll deal when I actually see him. Probably we will all cry-which will make this that much more awkward? unreal? real? sad?  hallmarky?  I'm just not sure what it will be.  It's nice to be loved.  If only it was a happy reason for this showing.

I caused an "international incident" by my not answering my uncles phone calls for 3 days  (I am accepting and intrigued with his culty, new-age, transcendental lifestyle on a normal day-but I really worried what he would say to me-he's not exactly one to think before he speaks-when he found out I was pregnant he had a bunch to now that I'm not I cringed to think what his comforting words would be (for the record he didn't say a word beyond the standard accepted stuff-no talk about other realities and souls or new-agey stuff.)

I have enough work to keep me busy.  Missing a week of work (oh-did I mention that I ended up with an infection and severe pain?) this time of year has me scrambling and drowning in paperwork.
I am supposedly getting a new job (well, same job-same pay-same employer-less travel) so I have to get all my paperwork done-caught up and even ahead of schedule.  Oh-and the snow delays and cancellations are not helping-the weather has the unique ability to come when I have an easy day at work...a day I could get paperwork done...and I end up staying home. 
So much for not doing paperwork at home. 

My Christmas Tree is still up...for a variety of reasons...most of them procrastination related. Maybe one of them because the tree is so pretty and shiny. Maybe another reason because I just don't want to do the work.

So-I'm here.  I'm taking this one day at a time.  Hopefully, I will be inspired and write about something more uplifting soon.


  1. Don't feel the need to be uplifting. Whatever your feelings are- they are. They are yours to have, and they are okay.

    hang in there, and thanks for keeping us updated!

  2. You don't need to be or feel anything other than what you are right now. Hang in there, ma'am.

    Oh, and shiny? Shiny is good. Me luuuuv shiny!

  3. Thank you for being a reader of my blog even in the midst of your immense grief and sadness. I cannot imagine your pain, despite my own, and won't try to. I can honestly say though that my heart sinks reading it. Infertility is such a heavy, heavy burden to bear in this life. And to add to that pregnancy is just too much. I encourage you to keep writing, keep reaching out, keep pushing forward with adoption.