I feel like I should post something "normal"...anything.....but I'm kind of at a loss right now. I can't seem to come up with any topics to write about. Nothing. I'm drawing a blank.
I'm ok. I'm dealing. I feel like I am 'back to normal' whatever that means...well, maybe not completely. There's lingering bitterness and melancholy surrounding me. I feel good and then get mad because I don't want to feel good--I want to be fat and nauseous and pregnant. It's a process. I'm moving on in life-yet a piece of me will always be stuck there.
I'm not avoiding people-but I'm not exactly doing anything. It's freaking winter-snowy and cold. I hibernate in the winter normally anyway. I may love Pittsburgh, but I'm a Florida girl at heart.
My mom calls and emails a lot. Mostly just to see how I'm doing-what's the latest from the doctor. Normal Mom stuff.
My Dad texts me daily (he's on vacation somewhere warm and tropical.) My dad's texts make me sad. He has never really expressed this much emotion towards me. I mean, he's been a hallmark card lately instead of just a Dad who is reserved in verbally expressing his emotions beyond an occasional "I love you" and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how I'll deal when I actually see him. Probably we will all cry-which will make this that much more awkward? unreal? real? sad? hallmarky? I'm just not sure what it will be. It's nice to be loved. If only it was a happy reason for this showing.
I caused an "international incident" by my not answering my uncles phone calls for 3 days (I am accepting and intrigued with his culty, new-age, transcendental lifestyle on a normal day-but I really worried what he would say to me-he's not exactly one to think before he speaks-when he found out I was pregnant he had a bunch to say...so now that I'm not I cringed to think what his comforting words would be (for the record he didn't say a word beyond the standard accepted stuff-no talk about other realities and souls or new-agey stuff.)
I have enough work to keep me busy. Missing a week of work (oh-did I mention that I ended up with an infection and severe pain?) this time of year has me scrambling and drowning in paperwork.
I am supposedly getting a new job (well, same job-same pay-same employer-less travel) so I have to get all my paperwork done-caught up and even ahead of schedule. Oh-and the snow delays and cancellations are not helping-the weather has the unique ability to come when I have an easy day at work...a day I could get paperwork done...and I end up staying home.
So much for not doing paperwork at home.
My Christmas Tree is still up...for a variety of reasons...most of them procrastination related. Maybe one of them because the tree is so pretty and shiny. Maybe another reason because I just don't want to do the work.
So-I'm here. I'm taking this one day at a time. Hopefully, I will be inspired and write about something more uplifting soon.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
This was supposed to be a different post.
My last post was full of hope. It was about the new year. It was full of happy thoughts. I wrote this:
I plan on continuing to eat healthy, exercise regularly, spend wisely, decrease debt, increase savings and do things that make me happy and build my happy family.
I want to take more pictures, learn to use my new photo editing software, continue reading great books and clean that basement.
I want my walls to have framed photos on them-not just in my computer.
Above all-I want 2011 to be a wonderfully happy and memorable year.
In less than a week my happy little world collapsed. The cause of my happiness was simple. You see, after years of infertility-of no hope of getting pregnant-somehow, someway-I was.
I was 11 weeks pregnant when I wrote my new years post. We had seen the baby. We had seen the heartbeating. I was feeling some symptoms and getting a little belly. We were happy and excited and in awe of our miracle.
I was waiting for my 12 week appointment and ultrasound so I could share the joy bursting in my heart. I had multiple posts already written and ready. The joy. The thrill of tearing down of walls built by years of childlessness NOT by choice.
It wasn't meant to be. Just 2 days before my week 12 appointment, I had a miscarriage.
My world is raw and painful now. My hope and happiness gone.
I plan on continuing to eat healthy, exercise regularly, spend wisely, decrease debt, increase savings and do things that make me happy and build my happy family.
I want to take more pictures, learn to use my new photo editing software, continue reading great books and clean that basement.
I want my walls to have framed photos on them-not just in my computer.
Above all-I want 2011 to be a wonderfully happy and memorable year.
In less than a week my happy little world collapsed. The cause of my happiness was simple. You see, after years of infertility-of no hope of getting pregnant-somehow, someway-I was.
I was 11 weeks pregnant when I wrote my new years post. We had seen the baby. We had seen the heartbeating. I was feeling some symptoms and getting a little belly. We were happy and excited and in awe of our miracle.
I was waiting for my 12 week appointment and ultrasound so I could share the joy bursting in my heart. I had multiple posts already written and ready. The joy. The thrill of tearing down of walls built by years of childlessness NOT by choice.
It wasn't meant to be. Just 2 days before my week 12 appointment, I had a miscarriage.
My world is raw and painful now. My hope and happiness gone.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year!
It's my one-year blogging anniversary!
Overall, I am happy with this blog. I feel like I am growing with it-learning to write better posts, selecting topics-and posting fairly regularly.
I have been quiet lately-but I promise, there is a good reason-and I have several posts sitting and waiting final editing.
Here are the goals I set for the year 2010 and how I did:
1) Adopt a child. (Become foster parent as part of process(?))
--This goal wasn't accomplished. Various reasons.
2) Exercise regularly
--I was doing great-I lost 20 pounds. I was walking 15+ miles a week. I ran a whole mile-I was working on 2 miles. Then something derailed me-and it got cold and it snowed. I am back to walking-inside and I will keep it up-but running miles-not for several months-think fall.
3) Eat healthier
-I really feel like I accomplished this goal. I eat more whole foods. I eat less processed foods. My lunches and dinners are good portions and my snacks are healthy. It isn't 100% but I feel like I am at a good place-and it isn't a struggle at all!
4) Minimize the clutter in my house
-I organized every room in the house this summer. I cleaned, I boxed up for yard sales, I donated, I scrubbed the walls even-but it doesn't feel better. For 2 reasons: 1 I live with a pack rat-who won't let me go thru his stuff. 2) the basement. 50% is the pack-rats. 25% needs gone through by me (and trashed/donated). 25% is still sitting there waiting on a yard sale
5) Grow out my nails
-I tried-and failed. It will happen-eventually.
6) Pay off my own credit cards.
-I paid off my car. I paid off half of a credit card. It's difficult with a husband who has been out of work for over a year.
I am not setting specific goals for 2011. Just general ideas:
I plan on continuing to eat healthy, exercise regularly, spend wisely, decrease debt, increase savings and do things that make me happy and build my happy family.
I want to take more pictures, learn to use my new photo editing software, continue reading great books and clean that basement.
I want my walls to have framed photos on them-not just in my computer.
Above all-I want 2011 to be a wonderfully happy and memorable year.
Overall, I am happy with this blog. I feel like I am growing with it-learning to write better posts, selecting topics-and posting fairly regularly.
I have been quiet lately-but I promise, there is a good reason-and I have several posts sitting and waiting final editing.
Here are the goals I set for the year 2010 and how I did:
1) Adopt a child. (Become foster parent as part of process(?))
--This goal wasn't accomplished. Various reasons.
2) Exercise regularly
--I was doing great-I lost 20 pounds. I was walking 15+ miles a week. I ran a whole mile-I was working on 2 miles. Then something derailed me-and it got cold and it snowed. I am back to walking-inside and I will keep it up-but running miles-not for several months-think fall.
3) Eat healthier
-I really feel like I accomplished this goal. I eat more whole foods. I eat less processed foods. My lunches and dinners are good portions and my snacks are healthy. It isn't 100% but I feel like I am at a good place-and it isn't a struggle at all!
4) Minimize the clutter in my house
-I organized every room in the house this summer. I cleaned, I boxed up for yard sales, I donated, I scrubbed the walls even-but it doesn't feel better. For 2 reasons: 1 I live with a pack rat-who won't let me go thru his stuff. 2) the basement. 50% is the pack-rats. 25% needs gone through by me (and trashed/donated). 25% is still sitting there waiting on a yard sale
5) Grow out my nails
-I tried-and failed. It will happen-eventually.
6) Pay off my own credit cards.
-I paid off my car. I paid off half of a credit card. It's difficult with a husband who has been out of work for over a year.
I am not setting specific goals for 2011. Just general ideas:
I plan on continuing to eat healthy, exercise regularly, spend wisely, decrease debt, increase savings and do things that make me happy and build my happy family.
I want to take more pictures, learn to use my new photo editing software, continue reading great books and clean that basement.
I want my walls to have framed photos on them-not just in my computer.
Above all-I want 2011 to be a wonderfully happy and memorable year.
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