Sunday, July 29, 2012

A start

Today started our week-long adventure with a two year old girl.We are providing respite care for a foster parent going out of town. 
Not sure if this will lead anywhere other than getting our name out more....but
we are in heaven and living a dream, even if for only a week.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Roller Coaster

So I have said that we are in process of adopting from foster care. But is is not an easy thing.  In fact, if things were different I would probably jump off the foster train and adopt overseas or go through an expensive newborn adoption.  Adopting from foster care is easier on the pocketbook-but wow! do you pay in emotional currency. 
We had the whole newborn incident.  We have had  profiles sent to us with teasing info (on the order of "he is cute, smart and just needs a stable home with love to continue improving") so we request more information only to find out that the child has more behaviors than we can handle (like this 4 year old child is severely autistic and has behaviors that cause all doors to have to be dead-bolted in house and someone awake 24/7!-not even exaggerating).   The initial information is so misleading.  No behaviors mentioned, no diagnosis--nothing. We have been approached about kids needing full organ transplants.  While our hearts break for each and every child-we have to decide what is best for us and our family.  Severe medical and behavior issues are just not for us.  We were beginning to wonder if that was all we would ever be approached about--children with issues beyond our abilities to parent?

Then we were approached about a child with very mild issues.  We got excited.  We requested more info.  We got even more excited.  We requested to "go forward."  We were interviewed.  One of 4 families.   We waited and waited and waited and waited.  We were turned down.  No reason specified.  This totally sucks.  It was like a job interview.  For the job of your life.  And we failed.  There are few words to describe how sucky this whole process is. You get one shot.  One.  And you may fail because of something simple.  Or not. You don't usually find out why.  You just get told they decided to go with someone else.  Rejected.

Now we have been approached about an infant.  Things sounded good.  Great even.  Less obstacles. Less hurdles.  So we (of course) said Yes.
We were going to get to meet the baby.  To "babysit".  To move towards placement. It was all set.  Just one phone call away.
And then the hurdles started.  CYF is putting us (our agency?/us?) off.  They said yes, then No. Making them/us stand back. 

So now we wait.


Based on our previous experiences-I don't really have any hope.  Babies are very wanted. CYF has their "favorite" families-that discrimination  of "their families vs agency families" pops up again-which we have no control over-cyf no longer enrolls families-but they discriminate against agency families and cyf makes the decisions of where children are placed.

I am emotionally drained.  My emotions are on a hairpin trigger.
 I know I have to ride this roller coaster to the end....
but I don't know how much more I can take...

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Climbing out of a hole

I have been very absent lately from this space.  I think every day that I will write-I want to write...but I haven't.  I just can't find the words....

I am stressed.....

I have been mired down in work-not only did I have end of the year meetings and paperwork and "oh-one more thing needs done and turned in" emails...we had to pack everything up to be ready to move to our new (smaller, older, not as friendly) building at the same time.  I had to sort and pack 30-something years of stuff accumulated by my predecessors! Oh-and still provide all the speech therapy I usually do each week. 

Now, I have a couple weeks off-and am trying hard not to think of my stuff all packed and sitting in my new (much smaller, shared)  room waiting for me....packing was bad, unpacking is 100 times worse...oh, and then there is the "see all my kids" thing while trying to do that.  Of course, I could go in on my time off and!  (ok-I went in one day and unpacked my desk--just to give me some small peace of mind)

I am depressed.....

I have also been riding the "waiting for a match" rollercoaster that is the adoption through foster care process. THAT is a post in itself.  Let's just say I see why people adopt overseas-but we don't really have the money to explore that option.  I am more depressed IN this process that I was before we started.  I never thought actually being in process of finding a child to adopt would make me feel this way.  But the system in my area just makes it that way.  Maybe if I was younger I would not feel this way-but I am over 40-and want to be a Mom.  Now. Yesterday.  I feel like it's almost too late.... I am still trying to start a family-when so many my age are done.

Thankfully, the weather here has been sunny and hot-just the way I love it.  So I have been spending as much time outside as possible.  Sunshine and warm weather makes everything better for me.  I am planting flowers, weeding and generally sweating my way through this....and consciously trying to climb out of this mood.