Sunday, July 1, 2012

Climbing out of a hole

I have been very absent lately from this space.  I think every day that I will write-I want to write...but I haven't.  I just can't find the words....

I am stressed.....

I have been mired down in work-not only did I have end of the year meetings and paperwork and "oh-one more thing needs done and turned in" emails...we had to pack everything up to be ready to move to our new (smaller, older, not as friendly) building at the same time.  I had to sort and pack 30-something years of stuff accumulated by my predecessors! Oh-and still provide all the speech therapy I usually do each week. 

Now, I have a couple weeks off-and am trying hard not to think of my stuff all packed and sitting in my new (much smaller, shared)  room waiting for me....packing was bad, unpacking is 100 times worse...oh, and then there is the "see all my kids" thing while trying to do that.  Of course, I could go in on my time off and!  (ok-I went in one day and unpacked my desk--just to give me some small peace of mind)

I am depressed.....

I have also been riding the "waiting for a match" rollercoaster that is the adoption through foster care process. THAT is a post in itself.  Let's just say I see why people adopt overseas-but we don't really have the money to explore that option.  I am more depressed IN this process that I was before we started.  I never thought actually being in process of finding a child to adopt would make me feel this way.  But the system in my area just makes it that way.  Maybe if I was younger I would not feel this way-but I am over 40-and want to be a Mom.  Now. Yesterday.  I feel like it's almost too late.... I am still trying to start a family-when so many my age are done.

Thankfully, the weather here has been sunny and hot-just the way I love it.  So I have been spending as much time outside as possible.  Sunshine and warm weather makes everything better for me.  I am planting flowers, weeding and generally sweating my way through this....and consciously trying to climb out of this mood.

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