A Journey of Despair

I am one of the many people struck by infertility.  Let me tell you-it sucks.  I have always had the "I can do anything I put my mind to" attitude.  I could have been the President, an astronaut, Valedictorian-None of these appealed to me.  The one thing I always assumed I would become easily was to have a baby.  3 babies, actually. That, apparently, is not going to happen.  To face something I have no control over-no way to fix-really kind of crippled me.  No matter how hard "I put my mind to this" it won't happen. Ever.

I was told 4 years ago that I have less than 1% chance of conceiving due to endometriosis-and that doctor only told me that 1% because of liability. I don't know how to describe hearing this news. It still is a gut punch today.

Then, 2 years ago--well, I most likely was pregnant. It was -brief-. I didn't know or even suspect. The only sign was extreme chest tenderness. OMG-so bad I called and scheduled a mammogram (I have had several cysts removed and figured I needed a follow up). Then, I fell on the ice.  I little fall, really.  I grabbed a railing and ended up on my rear-end.  Not hurt.  I spotted 1 tiny spot (first and only time in my entire life) that day-then, 2 days later I had a very early but heavy cycle. On day 2 of the cycle I called the doctor because I was mildly concerned about the spotting/heavy and very early period-it just "wasn't right". I never thought I would hear the words "miscarriage." I remember talking to the nurse and then the next thing I knew I was buying pregnancy tests (per the nurse) and freaking out. I couldn't talk-could not formulate a coherent sentence. I just shook. I cried. I probably scared the people at the store. I know my husband was worried-I called him after talking to the nurse and blubbered out a few words of jibberish and sobbed. I took the tests-one immediately and 1 the next morning. They were both negative.  I was in shock and utterly heartbroken. I am not sure how I got through it. The doctor didn't run any tests-said the negative pg tests were enough. Unless I had a complication I didn't need to be seen. A brief pregnancy didn't need any medical attention.

I have told very few people of those couple of days. Not my family. Not my friends. They were awful days and I am not sure how I even functioned.

As bad as it was, it gave me a glimmer of hope.

The doctor decided to send me to another specialist who was encouraged by my "episode"-confirming that it "was most likely" a brief pregnancy. So a few months of injections, many ultrasounds, lots of sex, needle pricks and 1 IUI later-I got the same dreaded soul-crushing sentence: In-Vitro or nothing.

We cannot afford In-Vitro. It is $10000 minimum per TRY. no guaranteed outcome. Adopting a baby is also out.  It is also too much money.  We have looked into adopting from foster care-and that is what we will most likely do-it scares us, too.

I have flirted with going to a 3rd specialist. Trying the medicine cycles again. My concerns are that I had a medical issue arise after that last injection (high blood pressure started 6 weeks after it and still present) and I am not exactly a young chick. Let's face it- I'm over the hill.  No one tries to get pregnant at my age-well maybe Kelly Preston.  The HBP worries me-it came out of nowhere and I don't have much of a family history-NONE at all before retirement age. It hasn't exactly been easy to control either-as some of the meds leech vital minerals out of my body and supplements make me sick-and as a bonus, don't actually work for me.

So there it is...my journey into the abyss of infertility. Maybe the worst part is-nothing is malfunctioning. I have regular sucky heavy awful lengthy cycles. On any given day I know exactly where I am in my cycle-I don't think about it..I just KNOW. I know when I ovulate. I know how many days before, after it. I do not keep track. We do not try to get pregnant. But, I am upset every month on schedule. I know it's coming-but it still infuriates me and sends me freshly into the abyss again. I sometimes think I would rather have a 0% chance because then I wouldn't have any thought that *I* could be that 1 in a million.

My husband is wonderful. He knows what this is doing/has done to me. He lets me have my moments-and then helps me get over it. He is going through this with me. It is his painful journey, too. To accept that any children we have won't be biologically his-ours-is a difficult thing--while I am physically forced to deal with it-HE has had to make the choice to accept it-to consciously choose to not have a biological child.  Something I am not sure I could do.

I cringe when I hear of parents hurt or injure their kids. I once told off a panhandling person because she told me that she had a toddler "under a bridge" she needed to feed and could I give her some money. I told her to bring me the kid-I would give him a home.

I love kids. I work with kids.
So Why ME? Why not them? 

Some days are just so hard. I have had a lot of them lately, for some reason.  Infertility is soul-sucking.  Don't let anyone tell you different.