broken

Hello,
Dusting off the cobwebs yet again....

Still here. Still frustrated by the foster care system.

Trying to focus but not always achieving--but that is what a goal is about-striving for it. I have had some success. So there is that.

I could ramble on here for a loooong time about trying for 6 weeks to set up visits for a foster child in my school. we wanted to help. She is in a bad situation. Made worse by a chaotic foster home. We wanted to provide respite, then agreed to transitional placement with multiple visits first.
Very long story full of bureauocracy later we were heartbroken when we had to refuse to place her in our home.

Unfortunately, when we were finally granted a visit-we figured out that she was too traumatized-the wounds ran too deep- for our care. That she didn't "just" need a quiet, loving home free of other children....she needs that...but SO MUCH more. We tried. We really gave it everything.
We just saw something that made us realize that placement would fail if we took her right then.

We were lied to. We were strung along for weeks. And when finally things started to come together-a visit to our house--it wasn't enough. We asked for more time. More visits (because the something came up near the end of that one lonely visit). We had a plan. A good one. It may not have worked. But we had a plan. Moreover, We wanted it to work. WE wanted HER.


We were denied another visit. Told take her that day or we were done. We had tried for 6 WEEKS to set up multiple visits-always canceled by them for inane reasons at the last fucking minute (literally!). And then they say there is no more time.

We are done. It would not be fair to her to bring her here to fail. It would not be fair to us to bring her here knowing she would escalate and traumatize us as well.

Yet I am heartbroken. She is a broken little girl who needs someone....the system is failing her....

and I wonder where she is sleeping tonight...

The week that was perfect

So--our week with Little Miss was heavenly.  She was 2. very 2. Independent, determined, demanding, and oh-so-melt your heart.  I actually wrote a paragraph about her stay each night for the first few days...and I intended to post them--but I read them now and cried.  I just want to keep them to myself.  That week was so perfect.  We were parents.  We went to the park, to the mall, etc-and when people saw us-they saw a family.  I broke down in tears-at the mall- the first time I realized this.  The husband didn't have dry eyes either.
We learned a lot that week.  Our home-no matter how we tried-wasn't child proofed enough.  Our dog acted like an older sibling when you bring home a new baby.  She was jealous-wanted to be on me, next to me, under me-but please don't let the little girl touch me or fall on me.  But she can feed me from her plate. They both did fine-no matter what we tried Little Miss had to be touching Chloe at all times she was in the room-in reality that, and eating vegetables, were the only things I was unable to get under control (so to speak) of all the very cute climbing, touching, demanding, stubborn 2 year old things that come with a child who doesn't know you and wants to test boundaries.  So we just gave the dog breaks (i.e. naps in our bed)-she is almost 13 after all--(and who needs to eat veggies for a week stay anyway).
OMG-and installing a car seat deserves to be an Olympic sport.  I am tall.  I don't fit in a back seat of most cars.  Let;s just say I have never been so contorted and uncomfortable putting that in-and then when it came unhooked-doing it all a second time. And then a third time when Little Miss showed us just how fast she could get out of the harness (needed tightened-which basically means taking it out to tighten.  It didn't get any easier to bend my body into that backseat with "practice". 
The husband and I watched kids shows all week.  She didn't-which is great (from a speech therapist side of things) except when there was singing.  I figured I would take the week to watch the shows my students watch.  I had never seen Bob the Builder or Thomas the tank engine (yes, I knew who they were).  My favorite by far was Lazy Town.  I don't know why.  Robbie Rotten, I think.-his face was so expressive..and the Icelandic accent.  The husband liked it so much he recorded a few episodes to put on when "nothing else" was on. Seriously.
I missed a huge part of the Olympics.  Gymnastics is my favorite Summer event.  I literally saw the last girls routine each night and one mens routine.  That was it.  and forget about "on demand viewing" I was tired.  Happyily exhausted.  Not complaining, though-I would give up TV and sleep completely to be a Mom.

So the week came to an end way too quick-and she left us.  It has been a month and we still miss her terribly.  Her toys are still out.  Her bed is still made.  The sippy cups and kid plates are still "in my way".  The car seat is still firmly implanted in my car.

We were kind of teased before she came-and after by the agency that she might come live with us permanently (and yes, there were reasons they thought it might happen including an emergency call to us before she came to "take her early" which ended up not happening)....so while she was here we had that in our heads and "a week" might be forever...it was too easy to let ourselves get attached when we thought she might be "ours" someday. 

....but as of yesterday, we were told that isn't going to happen.

We are back on THAT rollercoaster

Roller Coaster

So I have said that we are in process of adopting from foster care. But is is not an easy thing.  In fact, if things were different I would probably jump off the foster train and adopt overseas or go through an expensive newborn adoption.  Adopting from foster care is easier on the pocketbook-but wow! do you pay in emotional currency. 
We had the whole newborn incident.  We have had  profiles sent to us with teasing info (on the order of "he is cute, smart and just needs a stable home with love to continue improving") so we request more information only to find out that the child has more behaviors than we can handle (like this 4 year old child is severely autistic and has behaviors that cause all doors to have to be dead-bolted in house and someone awake 24/7!-not even exaggerating).   The initial information is so misleading.  No behaviors mentioned, no diagnosis--nothing. We have been approached about kids needing full organ transplants.  While our hearts break for each and every child-we have to decide what is best for us and our family.  Severe medical and behavior issues are just not for us.  We were beginning to wonder if that was all we would ever be approached about--children with issues beyond our abilities to parent?

Then we were approached about a child with very mild issues.  We got excited.  We requested more info.  We got even more excited.  We requested to "go forward."  We were interviewed.  One of 4 families.   We waited and waited and waited and waited.  We were turned down.  No reason specified.  This totally sucks.  It was like a job interview.  For the job of your life.  And we failed.  There are few words to describe how sucky this whole process is. You get one shot.  One.  And you may fail because of something simple.  Or not. You don't usually find out why.  You just get told they decided to go with someone else.  Rejected.

Now we have been approached about an infant.  Things sounded good.  Great even.  Less obstacles. Less hurdles.  So we (of course) said Yes.
We were going to get to meet the baby.  To "babysit".  To move towards placement. It was all set.  Just one phone call away.
And then the hurdles started.  CYF is putting us (our agency?/us?) off.  They said yes, then No. Making them/us stand back. 

So now we wait.

Again.

Based on our previous experiences-I don't really have any hope.  Babies are very wanted. CYF has their "favorite" families-that discrimination  of "their families vs agency families" pops up again-which we have no control over-cyf no longer enrolls families-but they discriminate against agency families and cyf makes the decisions of where children are placed.

I am emotionally drained.  My emotions are on a hairpin trigger.
 I know I have to ride this roller coaster to the end....
but I don't know how much more I can take...

Here's to step one....

I called a foster/adoption agency today.

It isn't like I (we) haven't pondered this (and went to informational meetings and read everything and anything and 'picked the brains' of those who have done (or thought about doing) this before.) for I forget how many years.) Things happened. We moved. The husband wanted to wait. I wanted things to be "just right". Then (mild but annoying) health issues and job worries crept in.....

Then, we thought we wouldn't have to adopt (or at least not for our 1st) only to be flung harshly back to square one, but emotionally not ready for anything but huddling inside our 4 walls.

So here we are- tired and emotionally drained-the thought of no children in our house is just crippling us. I doubt we will ever "be ready."

Sometimes it takes a Leap of Faith.

So we jumped

I emailed Children youth and Families in early June. Talked to someone the next week. Asked for agencies with specific detailed information (age of kids, foster-to-adopt, etc). She recommended an agency to call. Called them 3 or 4 times since then. No response. Called them today and insisted I talk to someone-no more messages...only to find out that they don't really deal with what we want to do.

So-did what I did not really want to do:
"Opened the phone book" (google, really). Closed eyes-and picked an agency. That's scary-to place your hopes and dreams on something/someone randomly.

I had a great conversation-and for the first time in awhile- feel like we might be moving in the right direction. I should get information in the mail and a phone call this week.

I can't wait.