Things to miss

The other day I posted about my impending transfer and why I chose to take it.  You can read it here.
Here is the other side of the issue:

I have a week or so and then I start my new position.  I'm looking forward to it...but at the same time I am feeling sad for what I am losing.

 The students I have now are great.  Some I have been instrumental in teaching them to talk.  From no words to complete sentences.  Pushing and prodding each word and sound-encouraging parents to incorporate repetition of new skills with their children. Soothing weary parents who just don't know why their kid doesn't talk-afraid their child never will.  Ignoring the looks of disbelief when I tell them things will happen.  Keep going.  Keep working. I can see progress even if they can't. Loving the looks when they finally believe me.  Those students-the ones I have invested so much thought into-are the ones I will miss the most.  Of course, there are the 3 little girls (in separate schools) who all hug me as soon as they see me.  Their eyes light up.  They say, "Miss Lisa I missed you!" There is the shy boy who changed preschools and when I went to his new school the absolute relief in his eyes at seeing a familiar person brought tears to my eyes.  These are the moments I treasure.

Their parents are also great.  They are involved with their children.  They follow through with my suggestions.  They get it.  They are friendly.  Every single one of them has my home phone number and can call me anytime.  They are as much a part of their child's progress as I am-and they know it.

I have a good reputation among my preschools and families.  Teachers have no trouble talking to me, listening to my suggestions and allowing me freely in their classrooms.  In fact, there are several preschools that don't allow "others" in during special days (1st days of school, parties, etc.) but they trust that I will blend into the wallpaper-and not single out a child or have the child miss anything. For me, special events are prime times to observe progress.  I have parents choose preschools because they know I will work with their child if they attend this one versus that one.  I have had phone calls out-of-the-blue because a new family was referred by an old family and they want to know how to get me to see their child.  I have one parent who moved to another county and drove her child (an hours drive) twice a week for 6 months until her house sold (and she could no longer claim my county as residence) so she could have therapy with me.  It's nice to be liked.  It's ego building and when I am having a bad day I don't have to look far to find something to remind me that I will win over a difficult parent, find "the key" to this child or to just trust that I am providing the appropriate therapy even though I feel "stuck" or inadequate in the moment.  (fyi-I in no way think I am perfect...or even great.  I'm running on instinct much of the time. I have my weak areas-the things I would do differently if I could.  I'm a good therapist who cares and enjoys learning-so I keep up with therapy techniques and pay to attend conferences to better my skills-something many of my coworkers just don't do. Right now I am trying to figure out how to attend a very expensive training-I'll eventually do it--some how, some way.)

I will miss the freedom an itinerant position gives.  Right now, I can go the long way to my next site, windows down, sun streaming in. (ok-maybe not right now-but in warm weather I can).  I can run  quick errand that is on the way.  In the summer, I have a reduced caseload because kids are on vacation.  I know where there is wiggle room in my schedule-if I am running late in the morning?-No problem. I will catch up.  This is especially handy when a doctors appt runs over-or I need to leave a few minutes early.

I can't believe I am giving this all up....That I voluntarily want another challenge.
But I am...and I do.
It is more about me being the best therapist in the end that I can be-and to be that I have to challenge myself. I enjoy learning.  I enjoy challenges.  I enjoy mastering a particular problem.
This position will bring kids with more challenges. Different ones. Challenging ones.
I thrive on this.

Remind me of this when I am overwhelmed in a couple weeks....

Boredom

I am bored.
It's still winter, and I know a good part of this boredom is related to that.  I hate the cold and cloudy weather.  I want to be outside. I want to dig in the dirt and grow things.  I want to wake up to sunshine and birds singing.  I want to walk and run in the fresh (warm) air.  This year, the boredom is sharper. I wander around the house searching for something to spark some interest.
I can only tolerate surfing the internet, reading blogs and staring at the walls for so long.  TV has little appeal, perhaps because I only have a few shows I like anymore.  Maybe it's because the husband watches sports non-stop and I end up dvr-ing my shows and watching them weekend mornings.  
I love to read, but lately even reading doesn't have the same kind of draw as it usually does. I like to cook, but have no interest in food.  I eat but don't find comfort from it like I usually do.
The husband's IBS is flaring up from all the stress lately, so he usually just wants to sit on the couch and watch TV.  I just can't do that.  But I don't want to go out either.  It's cold. I don't want to shop.  I don't want to clean.
I don't want to DO anything...yet I'm bored doing nothing.

Squeak!

For all of her 11.4 years, Chloe (our dachshund) has been obsessed with Tennis balls.  She loves them. Loves! Them! She can smell one 50 feet away-she was constantly finding them in bushes and shrubs around tennis courts in Florida.  We knew that if Chloe suddenly exhibited the classic dachshund stubborness and pulled us in a straight line toward dark foliage a tennis ball had been detected.  She has found or been given easily a couple hundred in 11 years.  However, her obsession is one of the "pull off the yellow fuzz and eat it" variety.  Sure, she loves to chase it..but eventually the fuzz is just too hard for her to ignore.  For this reason we have to limit her access. She knows this and has been known to spend time at the bottom of out refrigerator (where we keep one) practicing Jedi mind tricks.  Heaven help us if she perfects it.
For the first time ever, my husband has found something (other than food) that rivals the "yellow round spherical object"-as it is referred to in our house because Chloe knows the word "ball." 

Meet Squeak!:

Chloe loves Squeak!  She shakes him and loves on him. 





Squeak! has 2 squeakers in him.  One in his head and one in his tail.  Chloe is determined to get those squeakers out. 

But what about her Tennis ball?  Is Squeak! the new love of her life?  Let's see...
Giving her the choice:

At first, it seemed like Tennis ball would be her first and only love:

But Wait!  She changed her mind!:

Or did she?  She contemplates the situation:

THE decision:


She wants her cake and eat it, too.

What road do we go down?

Lately, my husband and I have been grappling with what we should do next.

Do we try to get pregnant again naturally?
Do we look into IVF?
Do we continue to inch toward adoption?

None of these decisions are easy.  With option 1, we are more than likely to fail and endure more heartbreak.  But then again, I did get pregnant naturally-so something is possible. But how long do we try before we move onto something else?

IVF isn't a sure thing...and, while every penny is worth it if it results in a baby, draining our newly acquired savings and still ending up empty-handed scares me.  Also, my doctor already warned me that the Reproductive Endocrinologists may demand I use donor eggs due to my age (I am on the border of the average age they require them).  I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.  I might agree to use donor eggs if they agree to harvest my eggs, and do a FSH test (genetics) on resulting embyos and implant those as well. 

Adoption has been on our minds for awhile.  It is never seems to be the the right time--well, one of us would adopt tomorrow, and one if us is more hesitant and wants to wait for certain things to happen first.  Also, do we struggle with adoption from foster care or go overseas? I have no illusions about adopting a newborn here in the US. It won't happen. It's a flawed system.

It's such a hard decision.  Time is short.

I wish I had a crystal ball.  A glimpse into the future. A sign with "pick me" hanging over the "right" choice.