I feel like I should post something "normal"...anything.....but I'm kind of at a loss right now. I can't seem to come up with any topics to write about. Nothing. I'm drawing a blank.
I'm ok. I'm dealing. I feel like I am 'back to normal' whatever that means...well, maybe not completely. There's lingering bitterness and melancholy surrounding me. I feel good and then get mad because I don't want to feel good--I want to be fat and nauseous and pregnant. It's a process. I'm moving on in life-yet a piece of me will always be stuck there.
I'm not avoiding people-but I'm not exactly doing anything. It's freaking winter-snowy and cold. I hibernate in the winter normally anyway. I may love Pittsburgh, but I'm a Florida girl at heart.
My mom calls and emails a lot. Mostly just to see how I'm doing-what's the latest from the doctor. Normal Mom stuff.
My Dad texts me daily (he's on vacation somewhere warm and tropical.) My dad's texts make me sad. He has never really expressed this much emotion towards me. I mean, he's been a hallmark card lately instead of just a Dad who is reserved in verbally expressing his emotions beyond an occasional "I love you" and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how I'll deal when I actually see him. Probably we will all cry-which will make this that much more awkward? unreal? real? sad? hallmarky? I'm just not sure what it will be. It's nice to be loved. If only it was a happy reason for this showing.
I caused an "international incident" by my not answering my uncles phone calls for 3 days (I am accepting and intrigued with his culty, new-age, transcendental lifestyle on a normal day-but I really worried what he would say to me-he's not exactly one to think before he speaks-when he found out I was pregnant he had a bunch to say...so now that I'm not I cringed to think what his comforting words would be (for the record he didn't say a word beyond the standard accepted stuff-no talk about other realities and souls or new-agey stuff.)
I have enough work to keep me busy. Missing a week of work (oh-did I mention that I ended up with an infection and severe pain?) this time of year has me scrambling and drowning in paperwork.
I am supposedly getting a new job (well, same job-same pay-same employer-less travel) so I have to get all my paperwork done-caught up and even ahead of schedule. Oh-and the snow delays and cancellations are not helping-the weather has the unique ability to come when I have an easy day at work...a day I could get paperwork done...and I end up staying home.
So much for not doing paperwork at home.
My Christmas Tree is still up...for a variety of reasons...most of them procrastination related. Maybe one of them because the tree is so pretty and shiny. Maybe another reason because I just don't want to do the work.
So-I'm here. I'm taking this one day at a time. Hopefully, I will be inspired and write about something more uplifting soon.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
This was supposed to be a different post.
My last post was full of hope. It was about the new year. It was full of happy thoughts. I wrote this:
I plan on continuing to eat healthy, exercise regularly, spend wisely, decrease debt, increase savings and do things that make me happy and build my happy family.
I want to take more pictures, learn to use my new photo editing software, continue reading great books and clean that basement.
I want my walls to have framed photos on them-not just in my computer.
Above all-I want 2011 to be a wonderfully happy and memorable year.
In less than a week my happy little world collapsed. The cause of my happiness was simple. You see, after years of infertility-of no hope of getting pregnant-somehow, someway-I was.
I was 11 weeks pregnant when I wrote my new years post. We had seen the baby. We had seen the heartbeating. I was feeling some symptoms and getting a little belly. We were happy and excited and in awe of our miracle.
I was waiting for my 12 week appointment and ultrasound so I could share the joy bursting in my heart. I had multiple posts already written and ready. The joy. The thrill of tearing down of walls built by years of childlessness NOT by choice.
It wasn't meant to be. Just 2 days before my week 12 appointment, I had a miscarriage.
My world is raw and painful now. My hope and happiness gone.
I plan on continuing to eat healthy, exercise regularly, spend wisely, decrease debt, increase savings and do things that make me happy and build my happy family.
I want to take more pictures, learn to use my new photo editing software, continue reading great books and clean that basement.
I want my walls to have framed photos on them-not just in my computer.
Above all-I want 2011 to be a wonderfully happy and memorable year.
In less than a week my happy little world collapsed. The cause of my happiness was simple. You see, after years of infertility-of no hope of getting pregnant-somehow, someway-I was.
I was 11 weeks pregnant when I wrote my new years post. We had seen the baby. We had seen the heartbeating. I was feeling some symptoms and getting a little belly. We were happy and excited and in awe of our miracle.
I was waiting for my 12 week appointment and ultrasound so I could share the joy bursting in my heart. I had multiple posts already written and ready. The joy. The thrill of tearing down of walls built by years of childlessness NOT by choice.
It wasn't meant to be. Just 2 days before my week 12 appointment, I had a miscarriage.
My world is raw and painful now. My hope and happiness gone.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year!
It's my one-year blogging anniversary!
Overall, I am happy with this blog. I feel like I am growing with it-learning to write better posts, selecting topics-and posting fairly regularly.
I have been quiet lately-but I promise, there is a good reason-and I have several posts sitting and waiting final editing.
Here are the goals I set for the year 2010 and how I did:
1) Adopt a child. (Become foster parent as part of process(?))
--This goal wasn't accomplished. Various reasons.
2) Exercise regularly
--I was doing great-I lost 20 pounds. I was walking 15+ miles a week. I ran a whole mile-I was working on 2 miles. Then something derailed me-and it got cold and it snowed. I am back to walking-inside and I will keep it up-but running miles-not for several months-think fall.
3) Eat healthier
-I really feel like I accomplished this goal. I eat more whole foods. I eat less processed foods. My lunches and dinners are good portions and my snacks are healthy. It isn't 100% but I feel like I am at a good place-and it isn't a struggle at all!
4) Minimize the clutter in my house
-I organized every room in the house this summer. I cleaned, I boxed up for yard sales, I donated, I scrubbed the walls even-but it doesn't feel better. For 2 reasons: 1 I live with a pack rat-who won't let me go thru his stuff. 2) the basement. 50% is the pack-rats. 25% needs gone through by me (and trashed/donated). 25% is still sitting there waiting on a yard sale
5) Grow out my nails
-I tried-and failed. It will happen-eventually.
6) Pay off my own credit cards.
-I paid off my car. I paid off half of a credit card. It's difficult with a husband who has been out of work for over a year.
I am not setting specific goals for 2011. Just general ideas:
I plan on continuing to eat healthy, exercise regularly, spend wisely, decrease debt, increase savings and do things that make me happy and build my happy family.
I want to take more pictures, learn to use my new photo editing software, continue reading great books and clean that basement.
I want my walls to have framed photos on them-not just in my computer.
Above all-I want 2011 to be a wonderfully happy and memorable year.
Overall, I am happy with this blog. I feel like I am growing with it-learning to write better posts, selecting topics-and posting fairly regularly.
I have been quiet lately-but I promise, there is a good reason-and I have several posts sitting and waiting final editing.
Here are the goals I set for the year 2010 and how I did:
1) Adopt a child. (Become foster parent as part of process(?))
--This goal wasn't accomplished. Various reasons.
2) Exercise regularly
--I was doing great-I lost 20 pounds. I was walking 15+ miles a week. I ran a whole mile-I was working on 2 miles. Then something derailed me-and it got cold and it snowed. I am back to walking-inside and I will keep it up-but running miles-not for several months-think fall.
3) Eat healthier
-I really feel like I accomplished this goal. I eat more whole foods. I eat less processed foods. My lunches and dinners are good portions and my snacks are healthy. It isn't 100% but I feel like I am at a good place-and it isn't a struggle at all!
4) Minimize the clutter in my house
-I organized every room in the house this summer. I cleaned, I boxed up for yard sales, I donated, I scrubbed the walls even-but it doesn't feel better. For 2 reasons: 1 I live with a pack rat-who won't let me go thru his stuff. 2) the basement. 50% is the pack-rats. 25% needs gone through by me (and trashed/donated). 25% is still sitting there waiting on a yard sale
5) Grow out my nails
-I tried-and failed. It will happen-eventually.
6) Pay off my own credit cards.
-I paid off my car. I paid off half of a credit card. It's difficult with a husband who has been out of work for over a year.
I am not setting specific goals for 2011. Just general ideas:
I plan on continuing to eat healthy, exercise regularly, spend wisely, decrease debt, increase savings and do things that make me happy and build my happy family.
I want to take more pictures, learn to use my new photo editing software, continue reading great books and clean that basement.
I want my walls to have framed photos on them-not just in my computer.
Above all-I want 2011 to be a wonderfully happy and memorable year.
Friday, December 31, 2010
The year 2010-in books
A copied this survey from Erin at Erinreads.com You can read her survey responses here.
Best book of 2010?
I really disliked In the Penal Colony-and found the others just ok. When I got together with my book club I actually liked the book better from their perspectives (but still hated The Penal Colony).
3. Most disappointing book of 2010?
I may re-read this since I just read Oryx and Crake-a prequel of sorts-and liked it.
4. Most surprising (in a good way!) book of 2010?
This book revolves around math-and I found myself fascinated by it.
5. Book you recommended to people most in 2010?
6. Best series you discovered in 2010?
The Alex Rider Series (It's young adult-but I really like it
Stormbreaker (Alex Rider, #1)
7. Favorite new authors you discovered in 2010?
Karin Slaughter
8. Most hilarious read of 2010?
Although you don't actually read this book-it's a bunch of hysterical drawings.
9. Most thrilling, unputdownable book in 2010?
10. Book you most anticipated in 2010?
Katniss Everdeen
The Hunger Games (The Hunger Games, #1)
13. Most beautifully written book in 2010?
14. Book that had the greatest impact on you in 2010?
15. Book you can’t believe you waited UNTIL 2010 to finally read?
Best book of 2010?
- Fiction:
- Nonfiction:
- Young adult
-
3. Most disappointing book of 2010?
I may re-read this since I just read Oryx and Crake-a prequel of sorts-and liked it.
4. Most surprising (in a good way!) book of 2010?
This book revolves around math-and I found myself fascinated by it.
5. Book you recommended to people most in 2010?
and
6. Best series you discovered in 2010?
The Alex Rider Series (It's young adult-but I really like it
Stormbreaker (Alex Rider, #1)7. Favorite new authors you discovered in 2010?
Karin Slaughter
8. Most hilarious read of 2010?
Although you don't actually read this book-it's a bunch of hysterical drawings.
9. Most thrilling, unputdownable book in 2010?
10. Book you most anticipated in 2010?
I love this author
and
11. Favorite cover of a book you read in 2010?
and
12. Most memorable character in 2010?and
The finale-it was all I expected it to be!
11. Favorite cover of a book you read in 2010?
Katniss Everdeen
The Hunger Games (The Hunger Games, #1)13. Most beautifully written book in 2010?
14. Book that had the greatest impact on you in 2010?
I loved her Anne of Green Gables series!
Your Turn!
What would your picks be?Saturday, December 25, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
My Favorite Tree
This tree is one of 3 identical trees in my family. No one remembers who made them. Mine has the name "Pearl" on the bottom-possibly meaning my great (or great great) aunt Pearl. I think my Dad's does, too. They are passed from generation to generation. My Dad has one (from my great-grandma), my Aunt has one (from my grandma's sister (?))...and this one was my grandparents. It now sits in my bedroom so I can fall asleep to it's light. Growing up, it was always my favorite Christmas tree.
It still is.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Where's Molly?
Growing up I knew I had a great-uncle who wasn't "right." He is there in my early memories from when I traveled with my grandparents to see their mothers. Uncle Bob was my grandfather's brother. He lived with his mother. I knew something was "wrong" with him...but I was a child. I didn't really understand. When she died (I was 9) he went to live in some type of residential facility. I don't know why, except that my grandparents were already caring for my grandmother's mother and I don't think they felt they could care for him, too. I am sure, knowing my grandparents, this was planned out and agreed upon with his mother. I visited him once with my grandparents a few years later. My grandparents kept in touch with him through phone calls and as many visits as they could-at least yearly (we lived in Pittsburgh and he lived, I think, in St. Louis-or somewhere relatively nearby.) They talked about him. A few years ago I saw him in a picture, and pointed him out to my siblings. It was at that moment I realized he had Down Syndrome. To my adult mind, it explained everything in an instant.
Working in special education you hear of how things "used to be." That children with disabilities were routinely sent away to institutions, never seen again. I admire my family for refusing to do that to Uncle Bob. They realized that Down Syndrome made him who he was-and that he was a part of the family no matter what. I am sure it was difficult-in a time when a disabled child was a stigma.
I knew my Uncle Bob. My grandfather new his brother. My Dad knew his uncle.
I can't imagine how I would feel if I didn't even know about him and then finding out years later he was institutionalized his whole life. Alone.
What would I have done? What would you have done?
There is a documentary about this topic. You can learn about it here.
You can read the story here. (keep tissues handy)
www.wheresmolly.net
Working in special education you hear of how things "used to be." That children with disabilities were routinely sent away to institutions, never seen again. I admire my family for refusing to do that to Uncle Bob. They realized that Down Syndrome made him who he was-and that he was a part of the family no matter what. I am sure it was difficult-in a time when a disabled child was a stigma.
I knew my Uncle Bob. My grandfather new his brother. My Dad knew his uncle.
I can't imagine how I would feel if I didn't even know about him and then finding out years later he was institutionalized his whole life. Alone.
What would I have done? What would you have done?
There is a documentary about this topic. You can learn about it here.
You can read the story here. (keep tissues handy)
www.wheresmolly.net
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